Lesson learned

In the week since my Mama's death I have been thinking alot about the lessons learned--guess the years as a homeschooler have drilled that into my head. To look for the chances to learn and grow at every moment. My Mama had a stroke on March 13--Friday the 13th to be exact--it was devastating. I sat in an ER room with her watching her lose her power of speech and grow weaker moment by moment--there is nothing we could do--I learned that sometimes things are out of my control..
She was at the hospital for several weeks, the damage done was intense, paralysis on the R side, loss of speech and swallowing. She had a feeding tube put in and we had to make the difficult choice to put her in a nursing home. We knew there was no way at that time we could take care of her, but our hope was to get some rehab and get her as strong as possible and get her home. We found a lovely place and were there everyday..my children amazed me at their patience and strength...they were both VERY close to their grandma and they came everyday to the hospital and nursing home with no complaints and nothing but love to show their grandma...I learned that my children are amazing people--not that I didn't know that--but I didn't realize the depth of their love and bravery..
Rehab didn't go as we hoped--she wasn't strong enough to qualify after a month or so-we continued what we could--she wanted to go home so badly--she communicated with her face and eventually a few words--I learned that you didn't need to speak to get your point across--
We had days where I would put my head on her shoulder and she would kiss the top of my head--I felt so much love from her--I learned that love is always there...
We had the BEST day with her a few weeks ago--she tried to count to 10--laughed--was totally there--we were SO hopeful--so happy--that night the nursing home called me and asked me to come out as she was agitated and upset--I came there and it was hard to calm her down--I talked to her and she seemed to be OK--I went home and it was rapid decline over the next few days--we felt she had another stroke and then she had pneumonia--I learned to not take one moment for granted
She went into the ICU,she lost what little speech she had and the movement she gained on her paralyzed side...we had a few days when we thought she might be on the mend--then we realized that she wasn't getting better--the infection raging through her body wasn't getting better--so we made the choice to move to palliative care--she had severe rheumatoid arthritis along with many other health issues that complicated her care--we knew she wasn't going to get better--I learned that everyone leaves us at sometime..
She was in a haze of meds and pain--she slept most of the time--and we were grateful that she was not in pain--the moments I loved the most were when everyone else was gone from the room--I would lie down on the little couch and take a nap--it was so nice to be with just her--to feel so close to her--I looked forward to that time--I learned that the little things are the most precious...
Last Sunday I came in after leaving for a short while and noticed her oxygen was off--I was confused and went to put it back on her--I noticed she wasn't breathing and the nurses told me they knew--they were getting the DR to pronounce her--my Dad went to walk the dog and I went to take the kids home--we were only gone for 20 minutes or so--but my Mama waited until she was alone to leave us to save us pain--I learned a Mama's love has no bounds...
I saw my father during this entire time show endless love and compassion--he was there everyday--taking care of her--loving her--it was a beautiful and inspirational thing to see--I learned what a relationship really is--the depth and breath of love that has lasted for over 40 years and will never die..
I had friends who were there for me every step of the way--to lean on--to cry with--to help in so many ways--I learned that I am blessed beyond compare with friends who are a family to me--who give such gifts of love that I am unsure if I will every be able to truly express how much they mean to me..
I have a husband who has been so loving and kind--to me--to my parents--who love him like a son--he has ALWAYS been there for them and for me--he is the love of my life and I find my love for him grows everyday..I learned that he is my soulmate, but I really knew that all along..and is one of the best Fathers in the world
I know that my children saw all of these things also--they saw love and compassion and pain---they too have wonderful friends who have been there for them--I know they have learned a lot of the same lessons I have--and that through all of the pain and suffering the feelings of hope and love will prevail--
I go though most days this week feeling like a zombie--I guess if I allow myself to feel too much it will be too much to bear--my Mama was my best friend--We talked several times a day--I miss her so much it hurts me to the core--I know I will never get over her loss--but know it will be less raw and on the surface--
I also know the lessons she taught me--how to be a Mama--a wife--a woman--I will try my best to pass them on everyday--the love--the humor--the caring--the strength--the fierce and unconditional love of family--I can wholeheartedly say that there has never been a moment in my life where I knew I was not totally and uncondtionally loved by her--and there is not a moment in my life that I am not grateful for that..